An Iterative Beginning.

My life, albeit in its infancy, has given me the opportunity to interact with a wide array of characters. From those I deem close on both a personal and professional level, to those I have since lost affinity with. This ever-expanding list of individuals remains unique, lacking commonality in their origins, ambitions, and worldview. However, a reoccurring observation is that these individuals possess a unified ability to show passion and insight for areas and specialties, that far outweighs my own. From the professionally beneficial realms of academia and business knowledge, to the somewhat obtuse specialisms of a dedicated hobbyist. The wealth of information informing an individual’s palate, their use of palettes, or even topics intrinsically linked to conventional masculinity and British culture, such as an extensive localized knowledge of football. Many of these concepts remain deeply rooted in our everyday lives, providing the unavoidable social constructs we adhere to. Yet I find that my personal associations are not driven by an unwavering passion, instead seemingly derived from convenience, or even circumstance. A very thought that I am growing to resent.

However, such contempt does not stem from a sociological, economical, or academical source. My social experiences span vast, my standard of living remains well above average and my academic journey, albeit touch-and-go within my teenage years, culminated in a Bachelor’s in computer science and a Masters surrounding Analytics, receiving a 1st and Distinction respectively. So, what fuels this frustration? I believe it to be my quantification of self-worth, or a lack thereof. A pessimistic valuation of my life not through moments well spent, but through those I have chosen to squander.

Like many (1 in 4 people yearly within England to be precise), I suffer from a myriad of mental health problems. A topic so tender and unnecessarily taboo that my own admission sits cowering behind generalized statistics, like an out of touch politician. Both depression and anxiety have plagued my life and remain a fragment of myself I am still working to fully comprehend. Be it from the exasperated extroversion adopted in my youth, to the somber suffering I attempt to circumvent today. Although further exacerbated by the COVID-19 pandemic and associated isolation, these problems have underlined the inept decision making and skill development adversary that I look to rectify with this shift in direction.

With such preamble introspection setting the stage for the upcoming skill pilgrimage (skillgrimage?), the focus shifts onto the reasoning for the journey. Most prominently, what am I even looking to achieve? A question that I believe has two answers; one practical and the other pertinent to a fundamental shift in mindset. The self-explanatory practical response refers to a structured approach to broadening and developing my skillset into areas that have only existed within the realms of trepidation. The second answer is more personal, as I look to distance myself from such family ideals as “second is first of the losers”. A ruthlessly employed motivational strategy that, in hindsight, only deterred me from trying as it conditioned my sights to remain fixed to a mountain’s unobtainable peak.

An expected follow-up to such an open-ended explanation is the need for specificity, like what topics are encompassed within this developmental approach? A structured inquiry that can only be met tepid uncertainty. From the realms of tangible skills beneficial to my career, spanning to sports, gaming, or artistic adventures (no gate will be kept from my bumbling mediocrity). Alternatively, development cycles may focus on more abstract concepts such as interpersonal or wellbeing development, knowing that personal growth does not solely stem from how I can utilize the world around me but how I choose to perceive it.

The timeframe associated to each topic aims to be flexible in its application. Initial intentions look to have development cycles play-out monthly, aligning with each calendar month and my short-lived hyper-focus tendencies. However, each cycle looks to output a tangible product to showcase my growth, so timeframes may extend or decrease depending on the need to do so.

With such high workloads associated to these development cycles, an aspect that feels necessary to classify is the need for such public documentation. Unfortunately, my answer is once again twofold. Firstly, for the personal provision of structure. Providing me a means of approaching any topic, shaping and confining the extent of my growth into smaller chunks that makes finishing plausible. It also allocates a time for catharsis and introspection that ensure such cycles remain pertinent to my over-arching growth, while filling the sadistic hole that has only grown larger since the scarcity of university coursework. Secondly, I want to provide exposure to the infancy of skill development. The encompassed resources, associated communities and associated pitfalls that begets a beginner’s journey. Understandable an individual’s seasoned insight into a topic will far outweigh my own, but hopefully my outlook from the outside looking in works to break down entry barriers for those overwhelmed by a subject.

With all this in mind, further ramblings only look to delay the inevitable. My focus for December remains rooted within the realms of technology, with that of web development. A fitting beginning with the aim of building a site to encompass my continued development, introspection and subsequent skillgrimage (upon Goggling I can see that my coining of the phrase is not as innovative as I first thought). A basis to shift my own mantra away from idealistic professionalism to one of content adequacy.

Knowing that I will never be the best, but at least this way I will know for sure.